Thursday, March 6, 2014

Clean As a Whistle

  Ten years zipped by when I wasn’t paying attention and it was that time again. We all know about the importance of scheduled colonoscopies, thanks to many celebrity endorsements and even live reporting from the scene.

          What many of us fail to realize, once we activate our ability for denial and avert our eyes from the required gallon of witches’ brew, is that there are benefits beyond a temporarily flat stomach, gorging on carbs afterwards, and, oh yes, saving your life.

          I began by assembling all the allowable clear liquids, an inventory that was so sad I earned a free pass to go into invalid-mode and watch old movies and the previous night’s recording of The Voice.

          The next day, the menu was just as limited and soon even that was forbidden as the crucial hour approached. Thus, more glorious couch lolling, and this time in jammies. I figured I must certainly be too weak from lack of food to attempt anything else. Next, permission to wear stretchy pants in public, basically a slightly stepped-up version my couch-surfing attire. 

          On my arrival I was given nifty socks with bumpy bottoms and a warm and voluminous hospital jonnie to wear, three times the size of the skimpy things I get at my doctor’s office. I was then ushered to a surprisingly comfy stretcher and tucked in with a toasty heated blanket. And one of my favorite aspects of medical procedures: when the nurses, the anesthesiologist, the physician’s assistant, and the doctor asked how I was, they looked deep into my eyes and really listened to my answer. I can see why some people invent ailments and have unnecessary surgery. 

          Okay, there were some annoying bits: the IV, the blood pressure cuff from hell, and the oxygen mask that just smelled nasty.
          BUT, the drugs are stupendous: you wake up with a smile on your face and the certainty that all is right with the world. And again, your care-giver is as invested in your well-being as any devoted golden retriever.

And you are in the one place where flatulence is not only permitted, but applauded.


  1. Amazing what you can find on the internet.

  2. The drugs didn't work for me, I saw the whole thing on the monitor! I was highly disappointed.

  3. I had one of these just before Christmas. You've given an excellent description of the procedure. I really take a long time to come out of the sedatives. I may be walking but I take nothing in.

  4. Oh my! Every three years for me...and this July will be three years! I just wish they could put me to sleep before I get to the front door, the wake me when I am back in the car! :)

  5. Ahh blessed are the colonoscopy recipients. One friend who endured recently said "Oh yes Sarah, It's a minor procedure. I'll be out and in the radio studio with you for that interview at ten thirty."
    At ten thirty I was at 'recovery' to pick him up and they'd never heard of him.

    "He's had too much ketamine for breakfast," I said to the announcer, off air. "He's had this thing called a routine minor procedure." (Sounds ominous, yes?)

    "Did he get a visit from Channel 9?" asked the announcer.
    "You know, a visit from Channel 9."
    "Mmmm? I don't understand."
    "You know those guys. They break in the back door and start filming shit."

  6. I had a colonoscopy a few years back, and while the procedure didn't really bother me, I HATED the prep. I lose my mind when I can't eat. :)


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