Thanks, but no thanks

Today’s mail brought with it yet one more unsolicited magazine. I’ve written before about the confounding number of magazines that arrive without my having signed up for them.
As it is, I’m finding the ones I’ve subscribed to for years have little relevance or interest for me anymore and the last thing I need is to add to the list. 

I’ve realized that Better Homes and Gardens is beginning to annoy me now that I’ve reached a point in my life where I no longer care that my bathroom is Pepto Bismal pink. It’s upstairs. Few see it except me. Thus the four-page spread of a bathroom the size of my living room and equipped with soaking tubs and rain showers offers little joy. Ditto the million-dollar renovated barns in the Hamptons with a view of the ocean, decks large enough to skateboard on, and filled with all-white furniture that would last about eight minutes with my grandboys (or me, for that matter).

 I’m still using the same Corningware from 1973. I suspect “tablescapes” are only there to distract the diner from a sub-par meal (since you instead spent all your time artfully arranging leaves from the yard on the tablecloth you made from awning material). And I’m unlikely to get any more organized than I already am. (Just as well. I’m a Virgo.)

  

          Articles I can happily skip:

          “Apps that make organizing a snap!”

          “Kitchens inspired by Tuscany”

          I’ve also come to something of a dead-stop sartorially. I don’t care what is in for the fall, the winter, or any other season. Most of my public appearances are in jeans at Home Depot or the grocery store. I swore off heels – except for weddings and bar mitzvahs - over ten years ago and so the thirty-seven boots (all with heels) displayed in the October Oprah magazine fell flat. Just as I would have done if I’d tried to walk in them.

          Thus, I have no interest in:

          “Why It’s Worth It” – an article extolling the logic of buying a $650 handbag.

          “Performance Pieces – an mix of eclectic prints and patterns and experimental textiles”

          My cosmetic needs are minimal. I've never cruised the fancy department store counter of lotions and potions; the drug store is my venue. I also freely admit to hitting the hay more than once without even washing my face, never mind going through a fifteen minute regimen of exfoliation, moisturizers, and Retin – A. I’ve used Maybelline’s pink and green tube of mascara for over 35 years and am unlikely to switch at this late date.

          And so I’ve ignored:

          “Perfume Mania – Which fall scent is for you?”

          “Strokes of Genius – Nail art you can create in 3 steps or less”

And don’t get me started on the advertisements :

          “You’re only as young as your neck”